My time here..

Harmony, that's the word that comes to mind…harmony…it's not about what's lasting or permanent…it is about individual voices coming together... for a moment…and that moment lasts…the length of a breath…that's what I think about my time here.

It’s a surreal feeling sitting in an airport knowing you’re leaving your home country for quite some time…leaving your family and friends behind to achieve something so grand. Alligator tears, shaking bodies, sweaty hands, final words, unloading luggage, checking in..looking out to see the sunset in America and waking up to see the sunrise in England…it is all so surreal.  It was within those first few days of being in Great Britain, that I knew I had made the right decision. It was a calming feeling that rushed through my veins as I sat in one orientation after another and met my professors, fellow classmates and other students.

My time here has flown by. It seems like just yesterday that I found out that I had been accepted, that I was packing up my apartment in Alabama, putting things in storage, headed to Louisiana to spend time with my family before heading off, getting on that plane...saying “See ya later” and arriving in the UK. This time abroad has truly taught me how important it is to rejoice in being happy and at peace. I’ve learned that patience is hard but rewarding and that friendships/relationships take effort, but that it’s no different if I was still in the same city. I’ve met some great people while studying over here and I know that some of these people will just be a part of this chapter in life, while others will remain a part of the rest of my life. I’ve experienced pretty much every emotion possible while being over here. I even went through the stages of living abroad, which are pretty much the same as the five stages of grief: honeymoon, frustration/rage, understanding and acclimation.  I believe I’ve finally reached the acclimation stage, which is a good feeling. I finally feel like I know where things are…in my city and in London.  Even though there’s not a language barrier necessarily, I am more accustomed to the culture, but it is a process because at the end of the day, it’s different than America.

 My “wanderlust” is currently at an all-time high. I’ve spent time in other countries and exotic places and the saying: “travel is the only thing you spend money on that makes you richer” is an understatement. In every country that I’ve been to, I’ve picked up on something…whether it be the culture, language and/or tradition. I love the fact that I continue to amaze myself. Do you know what that feels like? Your legacy is not just your kids, but it’s whatever and whomever you’ve touched…what you’ve done and even though I know that I have more to do I am happy to say that I have the foundation of a legacy laid down. 

My time here at the University of Essex is winding down…September will be here before I know it and then…well, that’s to be determined…so you stay tuned and I’ll stay calm and relish in this moment now. 

Indonesia was oh so good to me..

Three days, four planes, a caravan of cars, two buses & a boat ride later we finally made it to our little remote island...Hoga Island, Indonesia, which is located in the Wakatobi Marine Reserve Park, is this amazing little piece of paradise in the middle of one of the most global biodiversity hotspots of the world.  While traveling on the boat, I gained this calm, surreal feeling…amazed at myself…where I was and what I was about to embark on.  I believe it’s these little moments where we even surprise ourselves that mean so much. 

My home for the next 2 1/2 weeks was a small hut with two cots, two cupboards, and a bathroom, which consisted of a toilet that we had to squat to go and then scoop a cup of salt water out of the bucket to “flush”. It was also where we took a “Mandi” (a shower), we had to scoop cups of fresh water from a bucket and pour over our bodies and hair to wash ourselves.  This was only allowed once a day, but it was absolutely refreshing and something I looked forward to everyday, especially after diving three times a day doing field work.  

With each dive I felt myself get stronger and stronger…the first week and a half was essentially Diving Boot Camp and the intensity and how much it took out of you related so much to preseason for South soccer.  One dive, my friend Prasanna & I followed around a sea turtle and it was definitely one of the coolest moments ever.  I think the funniest thing was getting stung by “Fire Coral” while I was filming along the line transect we had laid down for an assessment.  The tape was all twisted and I was trying to fix it, and next thing I know, BAM! My hand was all in the fire coral and about five seconds later, my whole hand felt as if it was on fire i.e. Fire Coral. lol I screamed for about a minute and a half sounding like a rhino giving birth underwater…all while keeping my regulator in my mouth.  It’s definitely something I will laugh about over and over again.  Another funny moment was when we were headed out to the mangroves and our engine fell in the ocean. Literally it dropped into the ocean…and the next thing you know, the boat guy jumps in after it. I was in tears laughing at the whole thing. It was all just so comical. Needless to say, we never made it to the mangroves, but the guys did recover the engine and another boat came to the rescue and towed us back to the island.

The amazing thing about this little piece of paradise is that it makes you appreciate every little thing…the Sun, the Moon, the stars, the little doses of breeze that come through your hut at night, the fact that you have clean water to drink.  While here, I would often take time out to just sit by myself and take a moment to take it all in. One of the most rewarding moments was when our class went to a nearby Bajo fishing village. The kids were so sweet and lovable. While waiting for my turn to interview some of the fishermen, I went around exploring and played with some of the kids. It’s absolutely incredible how innocent kids are…how innocent we all used to be. We exchanged languages…teaching each other words in english and words in Bajo (the local language). Kids are definitely a weakness of mine. Most of you reading this know that I’ve wanted 8 kids (triplets, twins, single, twins…in that order) since I was little, and even though this may not be as feasible now, it’s moments like those that I can’t wait for my moment to be a mommy. 

The Indonesian people I’ve been surrounded by for the past few weeks are incredible people.  These people are highly dependent on what’s outside their “back yard”, which is the ocean. They go out and fish and that’s dinner. It’s a simple life, but it’s also a very rewarding life…a life in which they live for the day and there’s hope for the future, but they appreciate “the now”…they appreciate what they have and work so hard for it.  This trip will now count as one of my life changing moments…I’ve been affected in so many ways…it benefited me skill wise, opened up opportunities for work, formed new friendships, brought about a new appreciation (which is weird because I’m so appreciative for life). 

I am in complete awe of how much at peace I am…mind, body & soul. I’m amazed at myself and that’s something no one can take away from me...Indonesia was oh so good to me. 

The Aftermath

Haruki Murakami once said: “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

Going back to school after the stroke and heart surgery was the worst experience. People looking at you as if you had come back from the dead…more like stares…not quite knowing what to say or to say anything at all. “Are you okay?”, “I’m glad you made it.”, “What happened?”, “What did the doctors say?”. All I wanted to do was scream. Eventually, the flowers and cards stop coming, people stop asking if there’s anything they can do, stop asking if you’re okay. So I left…mentally...I left. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was as if it was all a dream…a blurry dream. I felt as if I was suspended above in the air watching everything happen, but not quite feeling anything, except numb. It was the first time in my collegiate career that I wasn’t on that damn bus or playing or being with my best friends joking around. I was lost…so lost. When I was in the hospital, the doctors were worried about fixing me then…at that moment…they weren’t worried about the future or the repercussions…they didn’t tell me or my family how hard it was going to be. Sure, the doctors were amazed at how fast I was recovering being that the damage was in a major place in my brain. I was, as they would say, “A Miracle”. But they didn’t let us know how to this day it is still hard…that that moment I went from being Jasmine Charice Bilbro Sanders to UNICORN14C all of our lives would forever be changed. 

To this day, I have no earthly idea why my code name was “UNICORN14C”…there wasn’t anything sticking out of my head. I mean my eyes were pretty fucked up and some of my limbs weren’t working, but really, a bunch of doctors, and the best name they could come up with was “UNICORN14C”. “Leaving” was my way of dealing with it, but it wasn’t dealing with it. It was running away and not facing it. For the past two years, school was a lot different. Not only did I have to relearn how to learn, but I had to strive to reach a point where I liked school again. After the stroke, school wasn’t fun. I had already missed so much from soccer because it was a “travel season” (primarily on the road) and then I was in the hospital and in & out of doctor’s offices. I never would have made it without my family and friends. And I don’t think they would have either, if I hadn’t stayed positive and had a smile on my face…no matter how much of a mask it was to covering up what I was truly going through. 

I didn’t start to see a counselor until about a year later and it wasn’t even because of me having had a stroke. But to this day, I will say it was one of the best decisions. Talking to someone that has no connection to you and them being able to give you an unbiased opinion feels like a weight taken off your shoulders. One of my fears is the unknown…and that was discovered in counseling.  That’s why having the stroke scared the living shit out of me. That’s why now I am scared (subconsciously) most of the time. “One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor, and grace."  I don’t remember some things and I joke about it by saying “oh it must be in my dead spot” and that helps…a lot actually. Therapy healed me. It will always be an ongoing process, but now I am emotionally able to talk about it, laugh about it, embrace it, and truly be okay.

 I write this not only for all of the stroke survivors, but for their family and friends too. Because I saw and I still see how much of an impact that moment had on all of our lives. I also write this to say thank you to my parents for their patience and for them keeping the faith in me even when the future was so uncertain. You guys are two of the strongest people I know. And I love you guys more than you can imagine. Robin Roberts gave an amazing acceptance speech when she accepted the Arthur Ashe award and I truly can relate to these words:  “Those of us who are fortunate to have overcome some type of illness or adversity are often told that we are strong. I didn't find that strength on my own…it's a quality that grew with every kind of support...all the tweets, all the prayers, every phone call, every message…I gained strength from the doctors and nurses who checked on me long after their shift was over...through it all true strength isn't when you face down life's challenges, it's when you take them on by accepting the faith, love, and help of others.” I know it sounds twisted, but I am truly humbled that God chose me to put through this battle…to put us through this battle. This year I flew from the United States to London on my 3 year anniversary to head to graduate school and I cannot express how meaningful that flight was.  Happiness is a choice. After some hard work and with love, light, and positivity…that’s what I choose to be…that’s where I’m at in my life…I’m happy and I’m truly blessed.

"Dream your dreams with your eyes closed...but live your DREAMS with your eyes OPEN" -Anonymous

There once was a wise man that said "I have a dream..." and just look where we are now.  I mean we still have work to do, but that dream that he expressed years ago--we are living it right now.  Since we were little boys and girls we have been brainwashed about dreams...about the good ol' American dream.  Cinderella, Aladdin, Snow White...they're all the classic "get married, white-picket fence, kids, and live happily ever after" dream to some extent.  You see there are all kinds of dreams.  They say the dreams we have at night are our unconscious thoughts.  And then there's those dreams we've been dreaming all our lives.  But you see dreams are funny.  You can start to have a dream while in high school after a senior trip.  And you can lose a dream oro that "one dream" can change after a traumatic experience.  And sometimes, you can be totally inspired and have a new dream after a summer abroad in an exotic place.  I've discovered that life is tough...it's an adventure, but all the obstacles put before you are there for a reason, they make it worth it.  Dreams are exciting and mysterious, but they're also scary because we don't know if we'll ever feel that elation inside of us of living our dreams.  Waking up a few weeks ago to find out I've been accepted to the University of Essex in England was one of the happiest moments in my life.  Dreams keep us going...they keep us alive and when they come true, it's like your on a natural high.

Smack in the Middle of a Twister

In an interview, Cameron Diaz once said: "I think you get better as you age. You know what you want, and you become stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically."  My best friends and I are either graduating from college this year or next year and it seems as if we're in the eye of a powerful tornado.


You know they say the eye of a tornado is the safest place.  Everything seems so crazy right now, we're all in the middle of applying to internships, graduate schools, and looking for jobs.  However, at the same time, with all this craziness surrounding us we seem to be coming into our own.  During a conversation, one of my friends asked me if I think we grew up too fast.  Honestly, sometimes I do, I think different experiences drove us to growing up too fast. At the same time, I think it was a good thing...at least now I do.  We're starting to act like real adults.


My girls' and I conversations are always full of humor, but now they have an added twist of seriousness to them.  We use to talk about what we're getting for concessions on Friday or the latest shoes or the latest music video, but now...now we talk about school, relationships, men, sex, lust vs. love, what the future holds, how we're going to change the world, where we're going to be in the next year, marriage, family...the list goes on & on. "When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.  Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.  You could break a bone or a heart.  You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you.  And in life, there's no safety net.  When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"


Don't get me wrong...life is definitely fun, but it's definitely scary living in this constant unknown.  And yet, we seem to be okay.  I guess swirling in the eye of a tornado isn't that bad.

10 years later...September 11th

Today is one of those days that we'll remember as if it was yesterday...every detail, every moment, where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with.  I remember switching classes and some guys coming down the hall talking about how a building blew up. None of us believed a word they were saying. However, when we walked into the classroom and saw that the television was on showing an airplane flying into a building; we knew something was going on. For the next 6 hours, I sat in that classroom crying with my friends and beloved teacher; frantically worrying about my Auntie Lisa who was doing business in New York, calling her and getting no answer...it was one of the most stressful, scary times of my life.  As I watched the second plane hit the World Trade Center, I didn't know what to think.  Watching as people jumped out the building from ridiculously high heights to their inevitable death...and then as the World Trade Center came down, there were no words, not even a whisper.  My mom finally called me back and let me know that my auntie was safe, but somehow that still didn't calm me down. Rightfully so, I was scared out of my mind.  Another plane had hit the Pentagon and another one went into the ground in Pennsylvania.  You see...September 11th, 2001 was the day that we lost so many; the day that we never thought would happen, could happen.  For my generation, this is our "Pearl Harbor".  The day that changed us; but also the day that we came together as Americans.  Let us not forget that we were all affected that day...but let's also remember we became a stronger nation because of this tragedy.  All those lost will forever be in our hearts...

In 4-5 months it's all over with...LAST SEASON EVER!

I began this journey 17 years ago and its now about to end.  These next few months are going to be thrilling...and fly by oh so fast.  I can't believe that I'm about to play my last season of soccer ever...my senior season of college soccer.  When did we get this old?  And to think that I almost had this taken away from me...I am so blessed to be able to get out there with my Lady Jagzz and finish this journey with my teammates and some friends that I have made for life.  We entered as a class of twelve and only 6 of the original 12 will be playing our last season.  This journey has not been all peaches and cream, but so many memories have been created.


Eating nothing but Olive Garden and Carrabbas for 3 months straight, not to mention ALL the disgusting sandwich spots like Lenny's, Coach Mo sleeping on the floor in the back, us making fun of so many things, the inside jokes, endless pictures of me sleeping with my eyes open, unforgettable roadtrip adventures, making every moment as awkward as possible...


It was just yesterday that we were moving into Delta 1 and now look at us. I remember meeting some people and thinking to myself "Wow...really...that's what you did all summer???"  And how all the hurricanes came and everyone evacuated, but we had to stay here; might I add that we barely knew each other at the time.  And going to Texas, and just eating a breakfast bar before we played our night game...calling our moms trying to figure out what's going on, so excited to see our families even though they POPPED UP all the time (and still continue to), huge birthday cakes to share with the team, "Tee" impersonations, having no locker room, sitting in our cubbies minding our own business and our names getting brought up lmao...oh the memories are endless...


Words can't describe the feelings I have inside me...this sport has taught me so many life lessons and it never ceases to amaze me at how much blood, sweat, and tears are shed.  Broken bones, Swine flu, stroke, and heart surgery...I think I've had my share, but it hasn't stopped me yet. It'll be nothing but water, Gatorade, and Crystal Light for the next few weeks. So with that, here's to sore bodies and some more unforgettable memories!